I wrote this post in Barcelona several weeks ago. I was sitting alone in the airport, processing my trip, and this post poured out of me like few others. It felt frighteningly honest. But deep down, I knew that was a good thing.
Since then, so much has changed. I could never have predicted the answers to prayer that were awaiting me when I landed in Australia. Consequently, this post no longer feels current.
I do still want to share it though. It is raw and real and perfectly encapsulates how I felt in this season.
So here it is. A belated but honest update.
I can count on one hand the amount of people I’ve truly opened up to. I think that because I post often on Instagram and have a blog and whatnot, people assume that I’m an open book. But that’s just not true.
In reality, opening up is a real challenge for me. I’m not sure exactly what it is that makes it so hard. Maybe it is just that verbally dissecting the past few years with someone else is beyond exhausting, or maybe I’m scared that someone won’t understand. That I’ll communicate my story with too much or too little emotion, and consequently devalue it. Or maybe that I’ll pour it all out, not holding anything back, and have someone look me in the eye and not get it. Tell me it’s not that bad.
I think that’s what I’m most afraid of. Being misunderstood.
So I write. In journals, on post-its, even on receipts. When it all becomes too much, I let it all out with a pen in hand.
I think that writing is comfortable because it feels so private. It’s just me and my thoughts. I have room to pause, to process, to organise, to clarify, to erase.
When I’m writing, I have full control. There’s no one looking back at me with vacant eyes, no one trying to change the subject, no one analysing my every word. It’s safe.
I started my blog at the beginning of the hardest season of my life. In between the banana bread recipes and apple picking posts, my world was falling apart. But again, I don’t talk about it. I didn’t then, and I told myself I never would.
But things changed. I changed.
I still don’t feel comfortable rehashing all the deets. That will day will come, but it is not today.
These days, this blog is mostly for me. Sure, other people read it, but I no longer do this to provide something for others. This is for me. The recollections and recaps and recipes, opening up in this way, it is all for me. For me to document, learn from, and look back on.
I’m no longer in the challenging season I was in at the start of my blogging journey (thank goodness). In fact, several seasons have passed since then. Some good, some not so good. But isn’t that what life is? A collection of all the good and all the bad.
I’m currently in a bit of an unusual season. Unusual in that it sometimes feels like exactly what I need, but other times is really heartbreaking. Unusual because I’m seeing breakthrough and blessing like never before, just in ways I never imagined. It’s a season of unknowns. A season where nothing is guaranteed. This scared me at first. I don’t like not knowing what to expect. But I’m growing. I’m at peace despite it all. That’s a huge blessing, actually. The peace. It’s completely unreasonable, and I know it comes only from Above, so I thank Him every day for it.
I don’t know what the future holds. If you were to ask me where I see myself in a year, I would not be able to give you an answer. At all. Some of you who know me IRL are definitely reading this with confusion. I know. But as I said, I can count on one hand the amount of people I’ve truly opened up to.
So that’s my update. Nothing has gone to plan, but I’m ok with that. I am where I am supposed to be. I know that. I’m thankful for that.
I’m thankful for the hard days. The way they teach me how to process pain. The way they motivate me for the future. The way they force me to see the good in it all.
I’m thankful for the blessings. There are so many. Everyday.
I am thankful for this season. For the restoration it is providing. For way the Lord has been moving. For the healing.
This season was never part of the plan; it has never been ideal, but it is so needed.
Through it all, it is well.
All the love.